Speaker 1: 1:25

What's going on everybody, welcome to today's show. I'm here with a very good friend of mine, amber Shaw. We're actually in Asheville. Amber came up from Atlanta because she's doing a course with my ex-wife, jill Coleman actually, who many of you may know several years online, and one of the reasons that I just really love Amber because she's one of these people who has been through what a lot of people would say a lot, been through sort of the culture level things you know, and the interesting thing about that has been able to make a transition to being, you know, a single mom, doing all the stuff that that entails. It's incredibly difficult.

Speaker 1: 2:09

As we know, many of you who listen to this podcast are women, are career women, are single women who have gone through divorces, and I wanted Amber to come on and share, because she specializes in personal development and helping women make that transition from going from family to divorce, to single mother, to building a business and I also am going to be on her podcast as well and so we've known each other for a while. She's just a wealth of knowledge and I'm super happy we get to do this in person. So, amber, welcome, and why don't you just start by telling us how you got into this work and giving us a little background about your story.

Speaker 2: 2:53

Well, thank you for the kind introduction. I'm so excited that we actually get to sit in person and meet each other face to face.

Speaker 2: 3:01

It's amazing. So you know the reason why I am so passionate about what I do and helping women in this stage of life is because, I mean, I've been there. I know what it's like to have your entire world just flipped upside down. And for me, I had the picture-perfect marriage. From the outside looking in, I married my husband ex-husband now, but at the time we were. We've known each other since we were seven years old. That's great.

Speaker 1: 3:35

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 3:35

Yeah, Seven years old, grew up together, went to high school, you know elementary school, high school, sweethearts or no, like we tried dating. I didn't really want anything to do with him, honestly.

Speaker 1: 3:42

Like we were just buds, so you figured that out later.

Speaker 2: 3:44

Yeah, we we were buds, but we were, yeah. I mean we dated and we ended up reconnecting, like in my 20s, and we ended up getting married, ended up having two kids and from the outside looking in, we had a really good marriage. I mean he and I were really just best best friends. I mean now doing so much of the inner work and really, like after the fact and taking so much ownership of what my part was, I can look back and see, maybe, where the disconnect was in connection. But at that time we had two kids. We still have two kids, but we had two young kids.

Speaker 2: 4:23

He traveled, you know, like six months out of the year because he was an attorney and I was working a full-time sales job. He was gone all the time traveling in the hustle of climbing the corporate lawyer ladder. He was a litigator and I was the one who felt like I just did everything. I mean I managed the household. In fact, that was one of the big disconnects with us was I'm like I feel like all you do is go to work, literally, literally. You go to work must be nice. You go to work, you come back and like I'm the one managing everything but for me, and so I can look back and see that there was definitely probably some resentment that started contributing to the disconnect and all these things. But at the time I just didn't know any better. Like we were in the thick of having two young kids and I think I sort of just chalked up our disconnect to just like that's how it is when you have kids and you have two parents that are working, like shit's just hard right, like that's just what happens, and also just kind of give you a little bit of context too. Like during this time I also was a very unhappy person. I was very, you know, I've suffered a life of eating disorders and just being very unhappy in my body. I have a perfectionist mindset and so this can work well for me sometimes and not so well in other ways, and so I was also probably unhappy and this was showing up in some some other ways for me.

Speaker 2: 5:53

But he one night he came to me and I'll never forget this. We had just gotten back from a trial and which meant he was gone for like six weeks and we had a really hard time reconnecting when he would come back from a trial, because he basically wanted me to like just leap into his arms and all the things and I'm like I want to fucking go to sleep, like you take the kids, like I want to go, like I'm exhausted, and I felt like he didn't appreciate me and so we just really had a hard time. But we got back from a trial and we went to dinner and I'll never forget just like we'd had a couple of drinks. It was like a beautiful summer night, the South African restaurant, one of our favorites. It was like nice date night.

Speaker 2: 6:37

And he just said, out of the blue, I think I'm unhappy, I think I should move out. And I can remember, like, honest to God, like like my, just, like, seriously, my whole world, just, I mean, I couldn't breathe, I was almost like blacking, I was like what. And so that really started this like two year or year and a half battle to really save my marriage. And he didn't really want to do therapy. But I, you know, I was like, because I was like you don't get to just move out. Like we have two kids, like we have a life together, we're married, like you don't get to just move out Like we're not. We've not done any therapy, you've not, like you know, we've not talked about any of the like any of this so far, it just doesn't work like this.

Speaker 2: 7:28

But I, just over the year and a half, some things came to light that we just couldn't come back from and I finally got to the point and this is really what started my journey too of like personal development and doing the inner work and really healing my own stuff, and I really finally just got to the point where I realized to stay in the marriage was to deny myself. It was to deny myself a loving, respectful relationship that I wanted for my life. It was really also to deny my children the blueprint of what a healthy relationship looks like that to me, like I wasn't not, even though we were not volatile we were not, you know. But you can, kids are not stupid. You can pick up energetically. So, anyways, I say all that to say like I ended up filing for divorce, and this was right around the when I was turning 40.

Speaker 2: 8:27

So here I am, single, like my, like single two kids turning 40, going through a divorce, totally lost, broken, feeling like damaged goods, all the things like grieving the life that I thought was supposed to be mine, you know just, and really also trying to heal from so much of the trauma because a lot of things came to light during that last year and a half. I'm really trying to heal from that. And so I was just. I really just kind of forced me into this like spiritual overhaul for me. It really just forced me into like looking at my life and being like, okay, girl, like you're here, you don't want to be here, but how can you turn all of this pain into purpose? Like what, what do you want your next 40 years to look like? And so I just started taking a real hard look at my life. I looked at my.

Speaker 2: 9:18

I was in a very lucrative corporate sales job for 18 years. I was a big contributor to my family's finances. But it was sucking the soul out of me and I was like I'm not going to die being a print salesperson Like I, like I cannot. This is not what I'm supposed to be doing in my life. And I really did have so much conviction that the reason why I was going through all of that pain was I was supposed to be doing something with it. I need. I was supposed that was that's why I was going through that. And so, anyways, I ended up starting a coaching company and started. You know, started, left my corporate job and started over and grew this, this company that I have now, and coaching, and that's also been kind of a morph of where I started and where I am now. But yeah, that's the long winded answer of how I got from there to sitting in front of you.

Speaker 1: 10:09

Yeah, I mean, I love the long-winded answer because everyone who knows who listens to this podcast knows that I just love the stories of how people find their purpose and I love what you said right, because it's like, how do I turn this pain into purpose? And the fact that you were aware of that while you were going through that is pretty amazing, because I don't think many people get that till after the fact, you know. So you're going through the pain and you're you're getting it, but I just want to feed back some stuff for you and get your thoughts on it. So, if I'm hearing you right, right, this is, and you know it's, it's ringing true for me, simply because I've worked with women my whole life. So one of the things that I picked up on and I feel that I'm lucky that I have is that you know the woman doing everything.

Speaker 1: 10:51

I remember sitting in clinic and listening to women talk about all the things. You know they're there, they have like a to do list a hundred things long, and the guy's got like three things that he's doing and he does not even realize that like there's a thousand things he hasn't even, doesn't even know. He doesn't know that these women are taken care of, and then, on top of that, it sounds like that was you, but on top of that, you're also a career woman, so it's like you're making money for the family as well, and then you have a husband who's absent an awful lot of the time.

Speaker 1: 11:26

So you're doing all this work, not feeling appreciated. Then one day you sit down and it's like I don't think I want to be here and meanwhile you're just like what the hell I'm doing everything right, like you know, like I'm just wondering. You know, like something begins to shift in you where you start, you know, it sounds like you got to the point where you were like, oh wait, a second, I don't want this either. I'm done. I'm interested in that interim. Like I'm interested in that, and I know this is what you bring people through in your work. But I'm interested on how you go from this thing where you're feeling like the rug's pulled out from under you. Your whole world blows up. You're, you know, feeling like I've done all this work. I'm not appreciated. I'm, you know, being left in my like that's a vulnerable time at 40.

Speaker 2: 12:19

Yeah, right.

Speaker 1: 12:19

Like for a woman, especially as you're kind of coming in and then you got little kids and all the things. I'm wondering, you know, and I know you kind of glossed over, but I'm wondering what, how do you do that Like and what are the tools? And for women who are going through that kind of stuff right now, Cause I know it takes time, but something I'm curious what happened when, if you can pinpoint it, and what did you do to deal with the pain? And I'm sure you know, let's just, let's just say that you don't get to take the pain of the backpack of pain off. You have to essentially just deal with it and use it as fuel to get to where you are, which is now where you are. I'm curious how you made this turnaround.

Speaker 2: 12:59

So it's really interesting. You asked like kind of a like a pinpoint moment or a moment where I knew like, okay, like the fight is done, and I actually do have a moment like that, where, or not, or I do have the moment. I think it was a series of moments, for sure, but it was definitely. I can recall one in particular where we were and this is probably like I don't know a year, year and some months into really trying to like go to therapy, and we've been through a couple of couples therapists at that point and, like I said, things just the rug kept getting ripped out from under me over and over again during that year and a half, which didn't help, right.

Speaker 2: 13:36

But I just remember we had gotten into a big fight and I had I was sitting in my car at the grocery store, trader Joe's and I was crying hysterically and I was just in there by myself and I just I mean the lowest of low right, just so broken, so confused, so, like I really, at that point I felt like I was like batshit crazy, though too, though, because it was just my emotions were so all over the place and I remember just pausing and looking at myself in the rear view mirror and my eyes were just red and puffy and I'd been crying and it was like my 25-year-old self showed up and it was really my higher self showed up. I think this is, you know, the direct source of spirit showed up and said who?

Speaker 1: 14:20

the are you.

Speaker 2: 14:22

Like who are you? Because I was staring back at this like shell of a woman and I was like this is not, this is not who I am, this is not how I want my life to be, and so that moment really shook me and I was just like this is not what I want for my life. And I think what I realized was and I'll kind of go through some of the processes, some of the things that I took to get me to that point but what I realized is that, you know, I'm, I am only responsible for my growth and for my change. I cannot control his, and I think for me, it just the writing was on the wall that, like he, he was never going to change, like this was never. I was never going to be able to trust him at the level that I needed to. He was never going to be able to trust him at the level that I needed to. He was never going to be able to provide that transparency that I needed to be able to get over some of the traumatic events that had happened and that I'd become aware of over the last, you know, year and a half. And so I think I just I surrendered, I think I, just I I just got to the point of acceptance and surrendering and just realizing that this was just not something, that that I did not want to wake up every day of my life like waiting for the other shoe to drop, like that was not a life that I was going to subscribe to.

Speaker 2: 15:45

But how I got to that point was, I think, that when all of this stuff really blew up fortunately but unfortunately my father passed away when I was like 32, I think, and that was I mean you talk about trauma I mean I was really close with my dad, I mean really close event that really kind of set the stage for me to learn how to deal with like major grief and also trauma, right, and and really leaning into this faith that like things happen for a reason, even if we don't understand it. I know that can be cliche and some people can be like, ah, you know, whatever, but I really do believe in my own personal faith and my own spirituality that like we are, like things are happening and unfolding exactly the way that they should, and we don't always understand it and it's hard and I get all of that, but I think, like going through that experience with my dad. I think that that helped me and so, even through that experience, like I started to dive into more, like dive inward right. Like you know, I'm not a blamer I started like looking immediately and we're like what could I have done differently, what could I change? And so when all of this happened with my ex-husband, of course I tried to get us into couples counseling and do all that, and we did some of that.

Speaker 2: 16:56

But I also went to my own therapy and I think for me and this is really when I coach women I think this is the very first step. When women come to me and they are feeling all the feelings. You know the confusion and the loss and the brokenness and all of this. You know the very first place to start is getting quiet with yourself to be able to create that clarity and so and to be able to tap into you know what you really want and your feelings. And you know, because I think, as women, we're constantly bombarded with so many messages and we're doing all the things and, if you are kind of now, it's like the everyday woman who is wearing all the hats and doing the career and managing the house and paying the taxes and doing all the things, like if you don't literally carve out the time to just sit and be with your thoughts and like simply ask yourself like how am I today? Like, how am I doing? And I think by just really showing up for myself, even through all of that, that is how I really started to get clear on what I wanted and how I felt and what I was a yes for in life and what I was a no for in life.

Speaker 2: 18:01

But I think that was really that was it. That's where it started, and I also. What also started, too for me is really starting to like get back to what, like who the hell I am, like outside of the identity of being a wife, outside of the identity of being a mom, like who am I? What do I love, what lights me up, what fulfills me, what do I want and when you can start to tap into that. I think that's also where you start to get some clarity.

Speaker 1: 18:29

Yeah, I'm interested. It seems I have this thing. Tell me what you think about this. And there's a point that I want to ask you about the emotional state. But I oftentimes think our emotions, they kind of like they tell us stories, right, and there's stories behind our emotions and I do feel like I have this concept I call AFRAID. It's like the emotions of AFRAID, it's an acronym, so anger, frustration, resistance, anxiety, insecurity and depression, and I oftentimes see it when I'm working with someone.

Speaker 1: 18:54

I say, well, where are they on this scale? Because it has, you know, depression is very low on the scale and it's deep right and it doesn't have a lot of charge. It's hard to climb out of depression, but anger, anger has got a lot of charge and it's very shallow. It's kind of easy to move out of anger. And so I'm wondering for somebody who's stuck in you know what I would call these emotions of afraid it's. I'm just curious, did you get to the point of anger? Did you? Was it? Was that what helped you snap out of it? Where you know that moment where you're sitting in the car and you're looking at yourself, I'm curious, what were the emotions of that 25-year-old higher self? It's kind of like you're seeing your young self in her power and you're seeing the higher self that you want to be in this moment, and then you have this sort of emotion that flows, because I'm really interested in the emotional trajectory. You're crying, you're feeling sadness, you're feeling all these things and then you have this moment that clicks and.

Speaker 1: 22:35

I know women don't oftentimes necessarily express anger, just like men don't express sadness. But I'm really interested in what the emotions pushed you towards and if you can just maybe remember that I don't know. I'm so curious about it because it sounds like you got to a point where it was kind of like fuck this, I'm done and I'm wondering if that was anger and what was that like for anyone who's sort of going through it now and wondering when this is going to end, or wondering what they can do to get the energetics to make the move. I'm curious if you have thoughts about that.

Speaker 2: 23:20

You know, I think for me I think this is one of my strengths I am not a grudge holder, I am not somebody that holds on to anger. In fact, and this probably is because the and then, five minutes later, we're fine, Like, we just like, get it out and, like you know, like, and then I can go from being like so pissed off to just getting a little more regulated and then being totally fine. I don't harbor anger. So I think, during that period, for me, sure, were there moments of like, serious, serious anger, yes, but that was not an emotion that I chose to hang on to. That was one that I really, I think for me, yes, there were moments of anger, but I think that really, what was, what really took me by surprise, was so much of like, the grief and the mourning and the sadness. I think that, and the fear of like oh my God, how am I going to do this by myself? Like all of that which I know so many women listening to this who are going through that struggle right now, I mean that's a really, really big piece of it is the fear of the unknown.

Speaker 2: 24:16

I think for me, when I had that moment, though, of um, of of like when my 25 year old self came back to me. It was a moment of taking my power back. It was actually a moment. The emotion I felt was empowerment, Like okay, bitch, like you got like what are you? Like? You got this, now let's take some action.

Speaker 2: 24:36

And I literally think I hung. I like literally picked up the phone and called the attorney right then. And it was like for me it was like this sense of control because and I know so many women and Jill and I talk about those all the time it's like so many women and I went through this as well it's like when your marriage is imploding like that, it in your life feels like it's completely, you know, blowing up. It is a serious loss of control. It can feel like that and especially for somebody like me who's a perfectionist and a little bit of a type A and a control that is very, very hard. But when I really just stood in my power and I was like, okay, it felt for me yeah, I made the decision and I was taking back my power and I was in charge again. You're not going to continue to run my life like this. I'm in control again.

Speaker 1: 25:26

So it was a choice point.

Speaker 2: 25:27

It was a choice point.

Speaker 1: 25:28

It was definitely a choice you made in that moment and you must have saw clearly that you're making another choice by staying in this.

Speaker 2: 25:33

Yes.

Speaker 1: 25:34

Interesting. That's what you mean by control and empowerment and just stepping forward.

Speaker 2: 25:40

Yeah, and I also just want to say, because sometimes on social media I get a little bit of, you know, backlash when I talk about my divorce and kind of the empowerment behind that, but I want to be really clear Like I am not, like I didn't want to get divorced, like that was not, you know, I felt like hell for my marriage. I mean, I it was. But it just comes to a point when you it just comes to a point where you do have to decide right, like, what do you want for your life? Is this other person willing to do the work to to repair and to to to grow, you know, to back together again, or are they not?

Speaker 2: 26:15

And I had a choice I could continue to stay because he wanted to stay together. He did not want a divorce. I could continue and stay in that and, like I said earlier, just waiting for the other shoe to drop and live like that for the rest of my life in a very comfortable life. He makes a hell of a lot of money. I could have lived very comfortably and it would have been fine, but I refused to do that. I want more for my life. I just wasn't going to do it.

Speaker 1: 26:39

Yeah, so interesting. So it felt like you were out of integrity at some point, right?

Speaker 2: 26:43

Yes so interesting.

Speaker 1: 26:44

So it's like it felt like you were out of integrity at some point, right? You're just like this is not what I want to be doing and you also. Let's talk a little bit about this turnaround into purpose, right, because I have this theory and I just I don't know I could be wrong about this, but I have this theory that when people start to focus on purpose instead of you know, like, the way I look at it is, we can chase popularity, we can chase power, we can chase pleasure, and there's nothing wrong per se in doing that some of the time. But purpose, from my perspective, is the thing that we really all crave, and it's so misunderstood, but you've used that term, right.

Speaker 1: 30:25

So, like, somehow I'm wondering how you used purpose to, you know, move forward out of this, and how, how you see that? Or did it come later that you were kind of like, oh, this was, this was, like you know, happened for a reason, kind of thing, and then you saw it. Or during the process, did you anchor to a deeper purpose, right? Whereas all of a sudden you're like, yeah, I'm a good mom, but that's not all I am. Yeah, I'm good at my job, but that's not all I am and, yeah, I'm a good wife but that's not all I want to be, and I don't feel like this is serving me, and so I'm wondering if you did anchor the purpose in the moment, or was it something that you only saw afterwards, looking backwards and being like, oh my God, this is exactly what I was supposed to be. I'm just curious.

Speaker 2: 31:08

No, you know, I think for me that I was so desperate to make sense of all of it, like in my pain and when everything I think I was, I refused, I just refused to believe I was going, because it was wild. I mean, some of the things that were coming up that I was going through and I was experiencing in that year and a half when everything really went south, it was wild. I mean, I told you earlier I'm like it could have been a movie. It could be a movie and I just refused.

Speaker 1: 31:37

You're like how's this my life?

Speaker 2: 31:38

Yeah, no shit. I'm like, how is this my life? And I just refused to believe. I refused to believe that it was all in vain. I refused to. And the other thing that kept coming up for me was I was in this like total spiritual journey and I was, you know, and really kind of when all of this, like the culmination of all this, when I even like thought of even becoming a coach, was on a yoga retreat, and I was like, and I was so I was really diving into a lot of work on myself, and what kept coming up for me in those moments of quiet, when I was connecting to my higher self, to God and having those conversations, was that I just felt, like it was my, that there's no way I could be doing all this work and learning all the things I'm learning and just hoard it. There's no way. Like what a waste.

Speaker 1: 32:30

You're like I gotta teach something. I there's no way like what a waste.

Speaker 2: 32:31

You're like I got to teach something. I'm like I got it. Like what a waste. Like for the women maybe who don't have the like maybe, are struggling with some confidence or that kind of that empowered feeling and they don't know where to start, or they're so lost and they're so confused and they don't have the resources and they don't know Like. I just felt like almost like this sounds so like stupid, but I almost felt like what a fail to humanity If I learn. Like I climb my way out here. I am stuck in this situation that I'm at and I get to the other side and I don't ever tell anybody about it. I don't ever help anybody get to the other side. I'm like what an effing waste, yeah.

Speaker 1: 33:08

And to me you know that's me that is the next level human mantra. It's learn, teach love. Right Like that to me is in my philosophical sort of underpinnings. I go, we're only here for those three reasons Learn, teach love. Lessons are hard won. Those are some hard lessons to get and actually I have something to say about this that I want to get your take on it.

Speaker 1: 33:33

But you know, and then you're teaching, and then the love part is creating for other people so like, and what I would say is for a lot of people I do think they look at perhaps someone like you, right, and they would say, well, she's got amazing confidence, she's an amazing communicator, she's got, you know, this knowledge and that knowledge. And I think they tend to think, well, that's purpose, but I don't think that's purpose. That's purpose, but I don't think that's purpose. I think what purpose is? Is you simply showing up in your world with the understanding that I've been through this and I want to share?

Speaker 1: 33:53

And when you do that, people show up. Your girlfriends show up. Your girlfriends who have a friend who's like, will you please talk to her? Shows up. The people on social media show up. You just seem to attract people when you step into purpose, and I think for most people it really does come down to simply teaching and loving on the people who come into your sphere. And they will, because if you step into it you become an inspiring figure, almost like you know a search light, you know that people are a beacon for people to essentially be like. I need to talk to her.

Speaker 2: 34:25

Yeah Well. And what I want to say too is you know, when you mentioned like someone could look at me and be like, oh well, she's a communicator and she's got the confidence and she's good on camera and she does all these things like on social media and stuff. I learned how to do that.

Speaker 1: 34:37

Yeah, so you don't think you were any of that, huh.

Speaker 2: 34:39

Absolutely not. I mean my entire life. I mean I like I said I struggled with eating disorders was like zero. I mean when I first started my business and the coaching space, you know, getting online, I'd never even taken a selfie of myself, like are you kidding me? I've never been on camera, I never know how to like none of that. But I mean honestly, getting on. Tiktok was my greatest teacher because I was forced in the pandemic. I mean this is what blew my business up. But I was forced to get comfortable and you know what's really funny about that is, through that process it's kind of a sidebar, but through that process of learning how to create content and video content, I actually learned to love myself because I would walk, watch videos back of me and I'd be like I kind of like that girl, I'd be her friend. You know what I mean. Like I was just like, and not like in a cocky way, but just like in a really appreciative way, like oh my gosh, okay, like I, you know.

Speaker 1: 35:32

And so that's cool. When that happens, yeah Right, you can actually appreciate yourself and be proud of what you're doing.

Speaker 2: 35:36

Yeah, and so all of those things, yeah, I mean I I think those are how I, one of the ways that I help women who are going through this transition, is really helping them first, first and foremost, like starting to tap into their passions and their purpose and and what that and what that can be for them, whether or not they start a business of their own or they even, just, you know, start making themselves a priority and doing things for themselves again, like whatever, whatever that looks like.

Speaker 2: 36:06

But for me, the difference between passion and purpose is passion for me is like things that you enjoy, things that are interesting to you. For me, my purpose, I feel it in my body. When I'm writing a piece of content or I'm talking about something, I can literally feel it in my body. I can feel like this is what I'm supposed to be talking about. I can feel like things are very aligned and I just so you know that was for me it was kind of a process of like trying to figure out okay, well, how then do I know that? I, I don't want to hoard, you know, back then, I don't want to hoard all this learning Like, what does that look like? How do I, how do I, you know, take that into the world?

Speaker 1: 36:52

then I mean, and it's, it's been a progression for sure for me, do a lot of your clients actually are they do they end up getting online and sharing you know cause it's? Social media is an interesting place. I know a lot of people have a love hate relationship with it, but the one thing it is amazing for is people are listening and people are struggling and people are hungry for solutions and this thing you know going through. Well, you made yours a midlife awakening. I think a lot of people. It does turn into a midlife crisis that they can't climb out of, but it needs to become a midlife awakening. A lot of people are watching, they're listening on social media. That's where people are and while it can be a nasty sort of a depressing place, it also can be a really beautiful place. I'm wondering if a lot of your clients end up sharing, you know, making this, learn, teach, love sort of process, doing it through social media.

Speaker 2: 37:40

Yeah, you know, it's really interesting, like, ultimately, where I take women is, you know, a lot of women will come to me just sort of in this very kind of like this, this transitional period, right now.

Speaker 2: 37:49

Maybe they're in the thick of a divorce or they've just gotten divorced and they are really kind of at ground zero for just feeling really lost and not knowing where.

Speaker 2: 37:55

And so helping them to gain the tools to like okay, this is how you put one foot in front of the other, this is how you can really take your power back.

Speaker 2: 38:04

But a lot of women, when they go through that process and they start to tap into again, like, what really lights them up and what is, you know, fulfilling for them, and especially because a lot of the women I work with are over 35, but mostly are over 40. They're in kind of that midlife period they're like okay, what do I want the rest of my life to look like? And a lot of women, when they start going through those and gaining a lot of those tools and all of that, they start to realize, okay, you know what, like I am capable of being able to like, get on social media and I want to share what I know, and I could start this side hustle and I could you know, or I could you know eventually quit my full-time job and do this. I have the skills for this, or I have a story to share, because the truth is, we all have a story to share.

Speaker 1: 38:45

And if you have a story to share, you have a business in my mind A thousand percent you definitely do, and we all have a story.

Speaker 2: 38:51

We all have a story to share.

Speaker 1: 38:52

So I do have this thing. It's like people used to say you know, we all have a book in us. I'm like I think we all have a business in us, if we want I agree.

Speaker 2: 38:59

I agree because you're right. We all have a story to tell and you know, your trauma can be somebody or your, what you went through can be somebody's playbook, it doesn't matter. There's always somebody who is, you know, a few steps behind you and I do think, whether or not you start a business or not, I just think I don't know. You talk about this like it's just our human, like responsibility. I mean this is this is the you know Marianne Williams said in Return to Love and all this. I mean this is what we're talking about. It is our responsibility to, to help the one behind us, to help you know, and and to take that, whether or not you turn, like I said, turn into social media or not.

Speaker 1: 39:42

Well, think about this too. Like let's talk about I don't have children right but.

Speaker 1: 39:45

I have nieces and nephews and my whole thing is I go, you know what. You have two kids, yeah, boy girl, boy girl. By the way, those are our dogs in the background barking. I don't know if you guys can hear it, but so what's interesting for me is, even with children, right, like you know, that your two kids at least one of them, perhaps both of them are going to go through something like this.

Speaker 1: 40:11

And so, even if you just make it about your children, which is a little bit more meaning rather than purpose, but I think even that it's so powerful because people don't realize they're watching, they're paying attention, you know how they're going to make this work, and so I do think it's not just your children, it's also, by the way, it's also, like, I'm sure, your husband, you know, and helping him grow up, and we're all just growing, your girlfriends, your kids, your coworkers, like everyone is paying attention and, yes, there's a lot of judgment at first, you know, but what happens is when we step fully into our story, like I, I think the authentic telling of our story of struggle is our greatest achievement, path to purpose, like that's all that we really need to do, and then, of course, you're taking it, you know, to another level where you're actually saying, hey, here's, here's the process, cause I know there's like lots of stuff right, it's financial stuff Like we have four jobs we have to do.

Speaker 1: 43:55

We got to manage our finances, we got to manage our health and fitness, we got to manage our personal relationships and then we got to manage sort of purpose and meaning. So I know you're taking people through managing these four areas, especially when their whole life is, you know, sort of crumbling.

Speaker 2: 44:10

Yeah, absolutely, and you know, and speaking about about the kids, you know that was. You know I hear a lot and I hear a lot on social media, women coming to me. You know when I do I post a lot about my divorce and this is something recent that I recently and I've shared with you. I mean, there's been a pivot in my business, really moving out of focusing so heavily on the health and fitness space and really what I think is making the shift into what I really feel is what I'm supposed to be talking about. And I think that the traction I've gained on social media over the last several months has really reflected that People are really connecting to that vulnerability and that sharing.

Speaker 2: 44:46

And one, one of the things I hear you know a lot about is, you know, couples staying together for the kids. And you know my mom was in a very was in an unhealthy marriage to my stepdad and she stayed together for the kids. And I saw what that looked like for my mother, who completely lost herself, had no friends, had didn't know what you know like, was completely miserable. And when I was going through all of this, I made the conscious decision that that was not going to be what I was going to do, because we think that we're serving our children and everybody's situation. I'm not passing judgment.

Speaker 2: 45:19

If you are somebody, if you were listening to this and you have made the decision to stay there for the kids. I mean, I obviously I don't know all the inner workings of your relationship, I just know for me. That didn't work for me because I wanted to be able to show my kids what a healthy marriage looks like, if I ever got married again, but then also what healthy co-parenting can look like. And so I have worked really, really hard on my relationship with my ex-husband and his girlfriend, and all of that for the sake of my children, but also for me too. Harboring all of that anger and that resentment and all of that, it hurts me the most.

Speaker 1: 46:07

It's hard to get rid of it but, I, agree with you. It's it. It only hurts.

Speaker 2: 46:11

It only hurts me, and so I just I don't. I like everything to just be chill. I don't want, I don't want conflict, even though people would be like you don't like, cause I'm very outspoken and like you, mess with me, you're going to know when I'm pissed off, but I actually don't like conflict. I don't enjoy it. I speak, I stand up for myself, but I don't love conflict and so um.

Speaker 1: 46:32

but anyway, a Georgia girl who's got a little New York city. Yeah, like, I have a thought about that and I just wonder what you think about this, because to me, I go. Yes, I think people do get this wrong where they go. Oh well, what's that saying about how you are teaching them about healthy relationships? But to me, I go, the healthiest relationship has to be with self. And so when you are essentially degrading yourself for the sake of a relationship or someone else, that is not the strongest thing you can teach a child or anyone else is not the strongest thing you can teach a child or anyone else. Right Like it, you know, it's it.

Speaker 1: 47:08

It is an interesting balance because I know people have different orientations towards oh, you're being selfish or you're being, you know, whatever you're being. But to me I go. We must always take care of ourself and others simultaneously. But we can't help anybody if we're being degraded. And you know, even like when I talk to women, it's a different thing for men. Men have their own thing that we can talk about. That also is tough being a man. But when you're doing all the things, you are not appreciated. You are, you know, and women have a really tough time because of all the physical stuff and all the things that our culture puts on them. I really think that self-preservation is a better lesson for any human kids to learn rather than oh, let me figure out this relationship. Just because when I'm becoming a degraded human as a result, I oftentimes wonder what's the real lesson that you want to teach there? Wonder, well, what's the real lesson?

Speaker 2: 48:06

that you want, you know, you want to teach there A thousand percent. And I mean, I think for me, like I refuse, especially I look at my daughter and I was like this is, and I also I was going to say I looked at my daughter and I thought I refuse to let her grow up thinking that this is like how men treat you, like absolutely not. And I think I also felt a great sense of responsibility to break the generational trauma around marriage and my family, because my mother not only like my, I think, my mom the reason why she ended up in the relationship that she did is because the relationship that was modeled for her from her mother, because there are even even on my dad's side like my dad, you know, my grandfather cheated on my grandmother there's just on all sides of it there's no modeling of healthy marriage. And so for me I felt like okay, well, the buck stops here, we ain't doing this anymore.

Speaker 1: 48:58

I do think one of our chief jobs on the planet is to break the family patterns.

Speaker 2: 49:04

It's got to stop with us All right.

Speaker 1: 49:08

break the family patterns.

Speaker 1: 49:09

It's got to stop with us, all right? Well, let's begin to just give them some take-homes. Then. In terms of what? Women who are going through this, or early in this process, what are the things that they need to be thinking about? It sounds like from you, the first part is really understanding this whole idea of taking care of self and self-empowerment.

Speaker 1: 49:27

It seems like this was a really big piece of what needed to happen for you, but what would you say is the process that someone can go through so they can see the way out? How does it work if there's someone right now who's struggling and being like I don't know what to do. I need to get out, I don't feel happy in this place, and or they were left, or they were betrayed, or whatever it was, how do they begin this process of climbing out? Like you know, I know it's a tough question to ask, but I'm thinking like is there, you know, a path of like you're like this has to happen first, this, this comes next. Like, take these, you know three steps, these four steps as a beginning process.

Speaker 2: 50:11

Yeah, that's a great question and I think that, first and foremost, it it really does start with, like, the basics and I know this sounds ridiculous, but it is so true Like, are you getting enough sleep? Are you prioritizing your sleep? How are you? Like? Are you exercising? Like are you? Are you eating? How are you eating? Are you drinking too much alcohol? Like, are you?

Speaker 2: 50:32

Because the thing is is that we can't really operate from a place of strength and confidence and clarity. Clarity If, at our most basic like human needs, like we are not meeting them. I mean, if you think about that, like, think about like, if you don't get enough sleep, like most emotions are high or cortisol is higher, like everything. I mean I know, for me, if I don't sleep enough, like I'm kind of an emotional basket case, right, and so if you're really at a point where you are really wanting to get some clarity in your life, you have to just start with, like, those foundational things first. I don't care if your very first step this week is literally just don't worry about anything else, just get between eight and nine hours sleep, and everyone says seven to eight, but I really believe eight to nine.

Speaker 1: 51:18

Well, you know it's funny there's research on this that says this conclusively when people are going through tough, they even teach people like SEAL training and stuff like that.

Speaker 1: 51:28

When they go into these hard things, they're like the simple things matter the most making your bed, like, things, that like, so you can get into a structured routine. Obviously, we don't necessarily think about these things, but if you, if you're psychologically drained and you're physically drained, right Like you got no chance. So if you're going to be psychologically drained, you better physically charge yourself up. So I love that sort of first step and there's a lot, lots of stuff that you can do getting in routine. That's why I think you know, you know the breakup diet. It's a real thing because what it does is it it? It is about prioritizing yourself. It's not about getting back in shape, to get back at anyone. It's just about now I get to focus my attention back on me. So so, after, after the physical stuff, what's what comes after that?

Speaker 2: 52:11

I think the next step, too, is really looking at your life and trying to like automate as much as you can when you're in that like critical period. And the reason why I say that is because, especially if you're a woman who is like doing all the things, like eventually, right, we have like at the even, at the end of the day, we have like decision fatigue right, like the prefrontal cortex can only handle so much. You know, this can be the time, too, where it is like all the decisions that you don't have to make in your life, like, maybe you do like give yourself a little break, give yourself a little grace. Get some food delivery right, like maybe just plan to eat some of the same things for the next day. Just just be kind to yourself, right, don't make everything so hard, because you really want to, I think, reserve a lot of your energy for just, you know, having those moments with yourself where you can really be with, with your feelings and your thoughts, and so I think so yeah, so kind of first and foremost is just health-wise taking care of yourself, I think, giving yourself a little grace, trying to make things a little bit easier, and this is like hands down, the absolute, very next step is creating the space to be by yourself. Now, if you can't get away for like, a weekend where you're by yourself and that can be hard start small Start in the morning. I know everyone talks about a morning routine and all that, but I'm telling you and you's can be hard. Start small start in the morning, like. I know everyone talks about a morning routine and all that, but I'm telling you, and you know this, it's a game effing changer.

Speaker 2: 53:32

When you can get up and really cultivate quiet time for yourself, it and if you don't meditate, that's okay Like just literally first start by just when the house is quiet, get up and just, even if it's for five minutes, and literally just ask yourself the very simple question how am I today? And I know for a lot of people they ask the question like how am I? You have to really ask yourself that a few times because we're so used to posturing with like the whole, like oh, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. And I know for me, like sometimes I would have my, like sometimes I'd have big emotional breakthroughs and I'm like, how am I today? I'm good, no, amber. Like how are you today? And I asked myself like four times and I'm like, okay, you know what, I'm not good and this is what's coming up for me and like just sitting with that. Another way to like kind of create that quiet time is go for a walk, but don't listen to a podcast.

Speaker 1: 54:29

Don't listen to an audio book, don't listen to music, go out, go for a walk and be by yourself. Yeah, this is interesting, amber you. This is really interesting, this piece for you, because you mentioned this several times that silence and just being with yourself. And that's where a lot of these answers come.

Speaker 2: 54:42

A thousand percent, because otherwise, you know you, yes, it's, it's great to, like you know, read books and learn and go to a therapist and do all of that. But at the end of the day, humans, we're going to do what we want to do anyways, we're. We're going to do what we want to do, and and, and we have to, and our choices have to feel aligned um for ourselves. Otherwise, I do believe that, like if we make decisions because other people are telling us to do something or and it doesn't really, or you know, we read something or like whatever, and it doesn't really feel aligned, that's just going to create such like turmoil and inner turmoil, right, it's going to, and oftentimes we make hasty decisions then that we don't, then we regret, and then it's this back and forth. But it's like you can really just cut through all the BS and get to really how what you want by by being silent.

Speaker 1: 55:32

Yeah, and and, if you'll allow me, because you know, one of the things that I would say here as we begin to wrap up is that for me, you know, I honestly think the reason I wanted to have you on is because, to me, a coach to me I don't know how, like I know, people do therapy right, and I want to just get your opinion on this as we wrap up.

Speaker 1: 55:50

But I go to me therapy is fine, it's great, it's needed, right, but a coach is very different, because a coach is kind of being a therapist, a friend, and then the coach where it's like directive action, whereas therapy is just talk, talk, talk.

Speaker 1: 56:07

It's fine, it helps you process, but it doesn't give you sort of a place to go, like these, these tips, like to me, this is where, uh, having a coach matters most, cause it's basically like what are you doing?

Speaker 1: 56:20

Like you know, like I just know certain things for me that you know I wouldn't have known had I not had an objective person looking into my life and going that's not going to work, or that story is not serving you, or that way of behaving is not going to serve you, whereas a therapist is just going to really be talking about how do you feel about what happened versus what are you actually doing, and so I just really think that, to me, would be one of the best you know sort of steps to get somebody and a lot of people who listen to this podcast know that I'm starting a whole, you know, next Level Human well, has launched a whole coaching program because of how powerful I think it is to spot these stories, but then be it till you see it, take action, as if I mean exactly, and you know, jill and I talk about this all the time is, like you know, the thing is is like therapy.

Speaker 2: 57:13

I do think that you know, talk therapy has its place, just like somatic therapy has its place, like all these different healing modalities they have their place.

Speaker 2: 57:20

But I think that at some point and this is for me, doing years and years of therapy you kind of just reach a ceiling. At some point you have to stop talking and start doing. I mean, that's it. And I think a lot of times the pitfall with therapy can be people really just go in for those 50 minutes once a week and then they leave and then nothing happens. And then they go back once a week and it's like ripping the scab open because you haven't really done anything in between there. And then it's like you know, and then people don't want to do therapy because it sucks to go and talk about all your trauma and whatever you're going through. But I think that's where, like you said, having a mentor, having a coach who can really take a lot of those tools Like I'm not, you know, I'm not a licensed therapist, I'm not trying to replace a therapist but I think it's taking some of those tools and helping somebody to put it into action and holding you accountable and guiding you through that process.

Speaker 1: 58:12

Yeah, you know, the way I see coaching is. I see it as this reason I wanted to do this with Next Level Human. You know we're all now familiar. A lot of people are familiar with the idea of conventional medicine and alternative medicine and sort of functional medicine being the bridge there To me. I look at what we need is this style of coach that you have sort of the therapy world, right, and then you have this sort of coach world, and then there's this person in between who really understands psychology, really understands therapeutic process, really understands this, but is also coming at it from a coach frame of reference. That I think is also missing.

Speaker 1: 58:47

So I would call this, you know, call it functional coaching, I guess, but it's required because it kind of stems the gap. So, anything, any final things you want to kind of leave us with in terms of what you want to make sure women understand I have a whole bunch of stuff I want to talk to you about, but maybe we do this again. I definitely want to know what it's like. You know dating, you know that's a whole other thing, but I definitely want to understand. I'm sure a lot of women are interested in what's it like dating again coming out of this kind of stuff.

Speaker 2: 59:17

So that's something we can cover at another time.

Speaker 1: 59:21

But what else do you want to? Just final thoughts. You want to leave them with.

Speaker 2: 59:24

You know, I think, just really speaking to the woman who is in really the thick of it right now, who feels really just lost and I keep I know I keep using those words lost and broken and afraid, but I think that those are the emotions that are very prominent for somebody that's that's really going through something difficult like that in a rupture in a relationship and not really sure what to do next.

Speaker 2: 59:49

I think that one of the most important things is really like we've been talking about is really getting back to the basics and, first and foremost, stop trying to figure things out for right now and just start taking care of yourself. And I promise you, if you start doing some of these things that we've talked about, start taking care of yourself. And I promise you, if you start doing some of these things that we've talked about, like getting you know, taking care of your health, and then creating the silence and getting the answers will come. And if you don't have the answers right now, it just it most likely means you're not ready, and that's okay, because when you get to the point, if you really allow yourself that clarity, trust me, like you will know, you will know what the next move is, and so I think it's just just trusting that you're exactly where you're supposed to be, even though that's a really hard pill to swallow I know.

Speaker 1: 1:00:39

You know what I love. I love the simplicity of your approach and I think that ultimately like, that's what people you know, and then then having someone to hold you to that simplicity and those basics, yeah, yeah. So, amber Shaw, everyone, I'm so excited we get to do this in person and like, so tell them where to find you online and you know all the places for people to find you.

Speaker 2: 1:00:58

Yes, yes, yes, so I am. I hang out on Instagram mostly. It's my favorite platform. So, just Ms Amber Shaw, and if you are somebody who is looking to really kind of just tap into some, you know really your passion and maybe even what that could look like for purpose and maybe an identity outside of being a mom and a partner and all of that. I do have a free five day mini course to help women through that process and maybe we can just drop it in the show notes or something like that. It's called Crush Life Boot Camp, Crush Life Boot Camp helping women really just kind of take control back of their life when they've gone through something like this. So, yeah, I would love it is me and my DM.

Speaker 1: 1:01:39

So if you have any questions, definitely let me know, and just so you all know, I follow Amber, have been following her for a long time and from my perspective as a man, like it's really useful for me to get your thought processes Right. It's really interesting for me just across the board and because I work with so many women.

Speaker 2: 1:01:58

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:01:59

And your approach is so, yeah, so approachable, like it's like you really are always, like you know what they say, the, the girlfriend next door, or something like you're really, you're, you're talking. Uh, even for me I think it's been helpful to kind of get your, your perspective with the clients that I work with. You know, us men can be a little thick sometimes.

Speaker 2: 1:02:19

I appreciate that.

Speaker 1: 1:02:20

Thanks so much for hanging out everybody. Amber, you're amazing and we will see you at the next podcast. Thank you, everybody.