50 Life Lessons. Life Advice at 50 - Ep. 242

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Welcome to the Next Level Human Podcast. As a human, you have a job to do. In fact, you have four jobs to earn and manage money, to attain and maintain health and fitness, to build and sustain personal relationships, to find meaning and make a difference. None of these jobs are taught in school, and that is what this podcast is designed to do To educate us all on living our most fulfilled lives through the mastery of these four jobs. I'm your host, dr Jade Tita, and I believe we are here living this life for three reasons, and three reasons only To learn, to teach and to love. In this podcast, I will be learning, teaching and loving right along with you. I'm grateful to have your company. Here's to our next level. Welcome to the show, everybody. My name is Dr Jade Tita and I am your host. And well, happy birthday, not to you, but to me.

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This is my 50th birthday, just turning 50 years old, and I thought that I would take this opportunity to share something that's become fairly popular for me to do on social media. Every single year, every single year since I turned 40, I have posted a rather embarrassing bathroom selfie to measure the progress of my physical changes. Right at 40, I was overworked, overtired, overwhelmed, very disappointed in myself and my personal failings and kind of made up my mind to clean up my act physically and mentally, and emotionally as well and started to put effort into that job of health and fitness and documented the next 10 years, because one of the things that is tough is obviously getting results. Losing weight, attaining ideal body composition is tough, but then maintaining it is much tougher. And so, around what would that be 10 years ago? Obviously in 2013,. Right, 20,? No, it would be 20,. Yeah, around 2013, 2014,.

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I started to put up this physical transformation and after about five years of that, when I turned 45, it started to feel pretty silly to me, and so I started to address the mental, emotional lessons, the self-development lessons, the lessons that were most important to me, and I started to post those on social media, as well as the lessons I learned in the last 45 years 45 lessons for 45 years, and now, five years later, I have just posted my 50 lessons in 50 years, and that's what we're going to cover in this podcast the lessons that I have learned, and hopefully it will give you the sort of ability or opportunity to sit and think about the lessons that you've learned over the last several years or several decades. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to read these 50 lessons, one at a time, all the way through 50. And then I'm going to cover a few of them that I think are important and that you may disagree with or might be somewhat controversial, and unpack them a little bit. And what I would ask is, like I do with all these podcasts is just to understand the whole entire point of aspiring to be a next level human is that we're open to other ideas, not that we need to agree with them, and certainly not to suggest that I am right and this is the only way to look at the world. But there is something that happens when you hear people discuss the way they see the world, and obviously, over the last decade, I have taken a lot of time, tens of thousands of hours, reading and writing and thinking about what it means to be a good human, ethically, morally, what it means to follow our purpose and to be authentic, what it means to deal with the inevitabilities of our suffering as humans, and I've developed an entire philosophy, the next level human philosophy, out of this, and so these 50 lessons over the last 50 years reflect an awful lot of this. So all I would do is ask that, with many discussions like this, you just sit back and entertain some of these thoughts. You certainly don't have to agree with them and I'm certainly not suggesting that I am right, but hopefully it'll bring up some of your own reflections and your own truths in the process. So lessons I've learned in 50 years. I'm going to read them, starting from one all the way down to 50. Number one you must believe in yourself before anyone else does. Number two your wounds are yours to heal. Your pain is yours to allay. Your suffering is yours to soothe.

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Three find friends who share your values, but not all your opinions. You learn more that way. Four have an honor code. You need to know what you stand for, will fight for, bleed for, scar for and even die. For. Five contemplate death every single day. This is the ultimate cure to procrastination.

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Six choose romantic partners not by type or how they look or status and how popular they are, but how they grow themselves, how they grow you and how they touch, move and inspire others. Number seven honesty is kinder than kindness. Eight seek purpose over power or popularity. Nine seek meaning over money. 10. We humans are simultaneously insignificant while also being immensely powerful.

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11.

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Beauty is an energetic thing.

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So is ugly.

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12.

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You learn the most about people when they are stressed or inconvenienced.

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13.

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Easy is earned.

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14. You are an example and an experience to all you interact with. What do you want to leave people with? 15. No one ever became less fearful by avoiding their fears. 16. Have boundaries. Don't carry baggage, which sometimes I shorten that to say boundaries over baggage.

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17. Expectations and assumptions for others should be avoided at all costs. 18. The truth is almost always in the gray zone. 19. Fulfillment is what you want, not happiness.

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20. The way to soothe emotional suffering is to take a lot of long walks and do your job. 21. Move in the morning, your brain and body create during the day, reflect in the evening. 22. We are here for three reasons, and three reasons only to learn, to teach and to love. You know that one well, because every episode starts with that.

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23. It's not leap and the net will appear. It's leap and weave the net as you fall. 24. Everything does not happen for a reason. Things happen and you make a reason. 25. It's not rise to the occasion, it's create the occasion.

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26. Only things you can count on in life are change in death. The only things you can count on in life are change in death. 27. Good people following bad ideas do horrible things. 28. Smart people are rendered idiots with bias and dogma.

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29. Lying is poison to the soul. 30. You understand yourself by watching yourself in action with others. 31. Age does not correlate with maturity. 32. Books and barbells serve better than beers and ball games. 33. A pretty face is of little credit. We all grow, get ugly and die.

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The question is is the world better for you having been here? 34. Sometimes you must live your way into the answer. 35. The cure for pain is to heal that same pain in others. 36. This is a tough one. Voluntary exposure to toxic people makes you the toxic one. We'll unpack that one a little bit.

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37. Emotions are meant to be felt, not lived. 38. Regret is a choice. 39. Scared people are the most dangerous kinds of people. 40. You must kill your old self to become your new self. 41. If you're doing everything right and not getting results, you are not doing everything right. 42. When in doubt, ask what would love do. What would courage do? 43. Have the courage to be disliked. 44. There are two types of freedom the freedom that comes from having all the choices and the freedom that comes from committing to just one. 45. Stop waiting for apologies. 46. Compliments and criticisms are both simply feedback. They often say more about the person giving them than they say about you. 47. The best revenge is not to be that way. 48. We get closer to truth by dismantling our beliefs, not defending them. 49. Never allow anyone to treat you away. You are not or no longer wished to be. 50. Fault is irrelevant. If you want it changed and it's in your sphere of awareness, it's on you Breaking into the show really quickly to tell you about a brand new service that I think you're going to be very excited about.

Speaker 1: 10:59

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Speaker 1: 11:52

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And now back to the show. So let's unpack these 50. So number two is one that I think a lot of people struggle with, because it deals with the concept of being a victim. Your wounds are yours to heal, your pain is yours to allay. Your suffering is yours to soothe. Now, this is very challenging to a lot of people, because what we would like to think in the world is that if someone has done us wrong, that they're going to take responsibility for it.

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Now, what this gets at is a couple things here. Number one is that, regardless of who hurt you, they may not take responsibility for it, they may not care, they may deny it and by you insisting other people solve your pain or deal with your suffering or mend your hurt, you could be hurting and suffering and in pain for a very, very long time, because the fact of the matter is people simply may not help you. Now this comes up with this idea of victim, the idea of I'm hurt and therefore I'm going to fashion my identity around that hurt. I'm going to blame, I'm going to complain, I'm going to whimper, I'm going to whine, I'm going to distract, I'm going to deny. Now this is really tough for people, because we've all been in situations where we've been hurt and seen the cold, non-empathetic, disgusting way some people treat people who have been hurt. Now, any good human, any person who aspires to be a next level human, obviously is going to have deep compassion and sorrow and empathy for any human who has been hurt. However, we cannot rely on that. We must, at some point, take the responsibility, heal our own wounds, turn our own pain into purpose, give meaning to our suffering.

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Now, when it comes to being a victim, the thing that needs to be understood, I think, is that it is a requirement to be a victim for a time. In fact, I often times talk about the idea that we must feel, deal and heal with our mental, emotional suffering. Part of that feeling phase is being a victim. We must feel it, we must contend with it, we must give ourselves time to grieve, we must give ourselves time to feel, we must give ourselves time to feel sorry for ourselves. We must give the grace to other people to do the same. Being a victim and feeling what has happened and going through that grieving process is a requirement for healing. So anyone who says you need to skip over being a victim or you can't be a victim is simply wrong. We must be a victim. It is a requirement to be victims for a time, otherwise we can't heal. However, at some point and that point is going to vary from individual to individual, and then we should never try to speed that process for anybody, but at some point, being a victim does become a choice. At some point you get stuck in victim, and many people get stuck there because they are waiting for someone else to heal their wounds. They are waiting for someone else to solve their pain. They are waiting for someone else to deal with their suffering. And the truth of the matter is, no matter whose fault it was or what the difficulty was, no matter what we are ultimately responsible Our wounds are ours to heal, our pain is ours to allay, our suffering is ours to soothe.

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Number five contemplate death every day. This is the cure to procrastination. Now, in our culture, in the Western world, we don't like to think about death, talk about death or ever deal with death, and this really comes from the Stoics, who talked about the idea that death is almost like a best friend that is prodding us to do our work. We obviously do not have forever to get our work done, and remembering death, or what the Stoics would say memento mori remember that death is coming is a way to spur yourself to action. In fact, I have this saying memento mori remember death on my chest. So every day, when I get out of the shower first thing in the morning when I look in the mirror, that's what I see. Remember death Meaning that I'm not going to live forever. Death could be coming any day, in the next 15 seconds, in the next 15 minutes, in the next 15 hours, in the next 15 days, in the next 15 months, in the next 15 years. I might not know when it's coming, but it's coming at some point. And by me contemplating what death means and that I have a limited time here to do my job, it helps me do that job 7.

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Honesty is kinder than kindness. Now, this one is tough because many people would say the opposite, and I certainly lived for a very long time as the people-pleasing person who would lie to you because I thought it was kind. But think about this for a minute If I'm honest with you and it hurts your feelings in the short run, I've still given you useful information. In other words, it might hurt your feelings in the short run, but it is always useful to you in the long run. Now, the opposite is not true. If I lie to you just to be kind, that may save you in the short run and might feel good, but in the long run, it could possibly do incredible harm. Let's use a very simple example. Let's say I have a really good friend who has horrible breath and I don't tell them. Or they ask me hey, someone else said my breath stinks and I say not at all, your breath doesn't smell. Then what happens is I deny them the reality, the truth, to be able to deal with that. That could keep them from I don't know falling in love and having somebody be a partner with. It can interrupt their social interactions. It can damage their ability to be effective at work. It could do a lot of things. By me making them feel good in the moment, I can potentially be hurting them in the long run. So the idea here is that when we are honest, it is always helpful. It is always helpful in the long run, although it might not always be the nicest thing to say.

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Number 10, we humans are simultaneously insignificant and immensely powerful. You know, the other day I was having a conversation with a friend and they said something to the effect of am I a narcissist or do you think I'm a narcissist? And what I said to them is a narcissist would never ask that question. A narcissist thinks they are so important, right, so special, and a lot of our rhetoric in the world of personal development is you're so special and you deserve, and what I say is no, you're not. There's nothing special about you at all. Your suffering has been suffered the same way through thousands of generations by millions and billions of people before you. There's nothing special about you. However, you can do something special for the world and in that way you are immensely powerful. So, on the one hand, you are just a speck of dust and a sea of dirt. There's nothing significant about you at all. There's no talent that other people haven't had. There's no good looks that you know make you special. People have had amazing looks, people have had amazing talent. People have suffered the way you've suffered. Nothing makes you special, but what you do in the world. Now, while you are completely insignificant, you are also immensely powerful and beautiful, and as humans, there's power in walking that line. No, I am not special and at the same time, I am badass and powerful. I can be arrogant enough to know I am special and can contribute in meaningful, powerful ways, and yet insecure enough to know I am not special. This would be humble confidence. Humans are simultaneously insignificant and yet, at the same time, immensely powerful. We should be walking that fine line between the two.

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11. Beauty is an energetic thing. So is ugly. Hopefully you can relate to this. Think about the world today, where it's all built on this physical outward appearance and how ugly some people are inside. There are physical ways we describe physical beauty. Someone is gorgeous that tells us they're physically beautiful. But beauty is not just a physical beauty. It goes deep into the spirit. It's the way you show up in the world. You cannot be truly beautiful without having that kind generous, loving energy about you. And so we all know beautiful people who might not be the best looking things on the planet. We also know very attractive people who are incredibly ugly. So it's important for us to understand that beauty is an energetic thing and ugly is as well.

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13. Easy is earned. For some reason there's this idea that when we try something new, especially as we get older, it should be easy, that it shouldn't be hard. But the truth of the matter, nothing is ever easy. Think about, when you learn to walk, how difficult that must have been, how frustrating that must have been First having to roll around on our backs and then roll around on our stomachs and then push ourselves up into all fours and then crawl around and then try to stand up and then wobble around and fall so many times before we can learn. And now walking is so incredibly easy. It's because we earned it, and everything in life is that way. Nothing is easy. Easy is earned 17. This one is tough.

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Expectations and assumptions for others should be avoided at all costs. Now, a lot of people will argue with this and say well, how can you possibly not have expectations for people? And what I would say here is that, yes, expectations are important and assumptions are important, but they shouldn't be for others, they should be for you. In other words, this is about boundaries. I can't expect that someone's going to treat me kindly or hold the door open for me or treat me fairly or anything like that. But what I can do is I can't expect and assume that if they don't, I will have boundaries and standards and react in a particular way. So while I can't expect for you to treat me a particular way or behave a certain way I can't control you in any way I can have expectations for myself, to distance myself from you, to avoid you, to not deal with you Right, and so expectations and assumptions really should be for ourselves, not for other people.

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22. We are here for three reasons, and three reasons only to learn, to teach and to love. Now, I've done a podcast on this. You hear this every time you listen to the Next Level Human Podcast. To me, these are the three imperatives. This is why we are on the planet. We must learn, and we learn mostly from our suffering and our pain and our mistakes and our mishaps and our fears and our failures. And then, once we learn those lessons, our next job is to teach, to share our story, to teach what we've learned to others, and then the next job after that is to love.

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Now, in this particular way of looking at it, I'm not necessarily talking about an incantation of romantic partners or parental dynamics. I'm talking about love as a creative force. To love is to give freely, bring something to the world that only I can, to create something. So in this way, love and creation are synonymous. So we are here to learn, to teach and to love. And, by the way, when I say create something in this love category, I don't mean you need to create a podcast or write books, like I've done, or anything like that. Actually, it really is just about your intention. The way you show up in the small things. The way you show up in the line waiting, you know, to get coffee. The way that you show up at the queue when you're getting ready to get on an airplane. The way you bring your energy and your experience and your example to the world when you interact with service professionals or your friends or your family or your coworkers. This is your creative potential, the experience and example you bring into a room.

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24,. Everything does not happen for a reason. Things happen and you make a reason. Now I get it. A lot of you are going to completely reject this one because so many people love this saying everything happens for a reason, but the fact of the matter is that if this is your belief system and perhaps sometimes things do actually happen for a reason, for all I know, there is somebody up there in the heavens somewhere who's pulling strings, or I don't know. If you're a new age type and you know and you feel like you made a sole contract and you were supposed to experience certain things while you're here, then maybe, maybe things happen for a reason. However, things also happen and you'll need to make a reason. Sometimes things happen and you need to choose a reason, and the reason why this is one of my rules is because I've certainly had things happen in life where I was waiting for a reason to fall on me, and if I had kept waiting, I would have been waiting forever. I think what really happens is things happen to us and we forget that we made meaning out of it. We humans are meaning making machines, and so this is a gift that we have. This is part of our power. We can take anything and turn it to positive advantage. So what I think is we need to just embrace this. When terrible things happen, when difficult things occur, we need to realize this happened. But I can happen back. I can make a reason. I can turn this into a meaningful event. I can turn my pain into purpose. I can turn my suffering and make it a source of meaning. I can use my hurt to help Things happen. We make a reason 36.

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Voluntary exposure to toxic people makes you the toxic one. Now again, this is another one that I know will trigger many people, and I understand why, and hopefully you know. This is not about being cold-hearted. It's simply about looking at the fact that sometimes we can talk about this person's a narcissist and this person's toxic, and this person's drains me and this person does this, this and this. But at some point, if we continue going back to that narcissist and that person who drains us, etc. And we don't either avoid them altogether or erect standards and boundaries, if we can't, then aren't we the toxic ones? If you drink a little bit of poison every day, isn't that voluntarily making yourself toxic? Can't we then say that perhaps we are the ones we're the problem? We need to break the pattern, we need to create the boundaries, we need to erect the standards, we need to break the chains that bind us to these toxic exposures, and this goes for dealing with people, this goes for dealing with toxic foods, this goes for dealing with any toxin you can imagine.

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37. Emotions are meant to be felt, not lived. This is the idea that we humans are here to have experiences. They teach us the difficult ones, the beautiful ones. But emotions are not meant to be stuck in our psyche. As soon as they get stuck, especially the negative emotions, the emotions of afraid, which you probably heard me talk about before. Afraid as an acronym stands for the emotions anger, frustration, resistance, anxiety, insecurity and depression. These emotions of afraid and the derivatives of these emotions. When we get stuck in these, our growth stops, we start to degrade ourselves and devolve. What we need to do is move into our elevated emotions gratitude, joy, abundance, right, these kind of love, these kinds of experiences. But we still must be able to not get stuck in these negative emotions when we do that, as a sign that we are needing to change something in our lives.

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I oftentimes talk about the idea of repeated patterns, recurrent obstacles, struggles that recur again and again, and stuck emotions. How do we know we're the problem? We know that when we get the same repeated struggles, recurrent obstacles and stuck emotions and so use these as signs, psychological signs. Emotions are like the GPS of the spirit. In a sense, they tell us where we are and where we are headed. And when we get stuck in these emotions of afraid, it's like being stuck in a traffic circle and just going in circles again and again and again and again. When we see these stuck emotions, we need to realize it's okay to feel depression. It's not okay to be stuck in depression. It's okay to feel anger at times and express anger at times. It's not okay to be stuck there.

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38, regret is a choice. Now, I know that people don't like this one either, because they might say, rightly so. Well, jade, you talked about the idea that we're here to learn, we're here to teach and we're here to love. How are we going to learn if we don't have regret? So maybe what I'm trying to say here is that regret is a choice, and really what I'm saying is ruminating on past regrets is a choice. So, yes, have regret in the short run Wow, I wish I had done that different, but don't ruminate on your past. That becomes a choice. So, yes, learn the lessons, and I would argue that once you've learned the lessons, there's no reason to regret. In fact, if you learn the lessons, there won't be regret there at all. There'll be gratitude, and so when you are able to get the lessons from something that you would normally regret, you turn regret into gratitude, and so, in that case, regret is a choice.

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43, we must have the courage to be disliked. The fact of the matter is is, if you live an authentic life, if you choose purpose over popularity, you are going to be disliked. Not everyone is going to like your views very much like this list of 50. Some of you simply will not like it. And who knows, maybe some of you will listen to this list of 50 and go I don't like Jade. That cannot stop me, and shouldn't stop you, from living your authentic life. We simply have got to have the courage to be disliked. If we cannot have the courage to be disliked, we will accomplish nothing. That we set out to Life is about learning, teaching, loving and creating, as we talked about, and if we're going to create something unique to the world in a way that only we can do, then we are going to have to do things that are different, and people oftentimes are threatened by things that are different. If you're the one who's bringing something different, a different way of looking at the world, you are likely to be disliked and distrusted at first. So have the courage to be disliked and even take it as a badge. If you're getting hated on, if the trolls are coming after you or people are saying negative things about you, it's a good sort of chance that you are doing something powerful and different and you need to have the courage to be disliked. That doesn't mean don't take feedback. If you're seeing recurrent struggles, repeated obstacles, these stuck emotions and you're getting the same feedback over and over again that you're not a good person or that you're doing the wrong thing, then you want to look at that. Now, how would you know? You know when it's a pattern If someone dislikes you for something and they express it to you and then you hear that with almost every single relationship you have, that's something to pay attention to. However, if this is something only related to a certain amount of people who tend to hate simply because they hate, then it's them and probably not you.

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44,. There are two types of freedom the freedom that comes from having all the choices and the freedom that comes from committing to just one. You know, in my younger years and a lot of men fall prey to this as well I had this thing where it's like I didn't want to ever settle down with a woman. There was just too many options, right? I said I want to date her, I want to date her, I want to date her, I want to date her. I wanted my freedom, right. And what I realize is that when you have so many choices all the time, okay, fine, that's one type of freedom, but there's also a very powerful freedom that comes from just committing to one person or one thing or one choice. This includes in business. This includes in personal relationships. This includes diet and exercise. You know there's a related Rule that I live by the didn't get make it on this top fifty. That is, if you're not focused, your fuck with this, which this rule kind of gets to, this idea that you know, if you focus on one thing and you make your choice, you free yourself from the anxiety of all the multiple choices. So it's useful to understand these two types of freedom.

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Forty six compliments and criticisms are simply feedback. They often say more about the person giving them than they say about you. This is a really big one that I have learned as I've been out in the world, writing books on social media, sharing my Experience, my education, doing a podcast like this this idea that I get hated on a lot, get loved on a lot to, but I get hated on a lot, and so you get people saying, oh my god, you're so wonderful. You get people you know coming on the same oh my god, you're so horrible. I've been called a charlatan, witchcraft medicine, you know. You know a fake doctor, like all the things. And I've also been given compliments like you change my life, you know, help me see. You know x y z. You healed me from x y z condition and the truth of the matter is, nowadays I just take the compliments and the criticisms as feedback.

Speaker 1: 36:44

I really do believe they say more about the person giving the compliment or the criticism. Then they say about you. I use them as feedback. I use them to say have I heard this before? Is there something I can learn here? Or is this something that's just related to them? And certainly I have been on the other side of that, don't? We all know people pleasers and brown noses who give everyone compliments to them, everyone's beautiful to them, everyone smart. And what's that about? Normally, when people are like that, it's really about them trying to control the way other people see them so they can be like Right. These are usually people who have the don't have the courage to be liked, and so what I would say is simply take the compliments and the criticisms and say thank you, right. Someone says you're full of shit, can't stand you, thank you. Someone says you're the most amazing human. I love you so much, thank you. Both are feedback.

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Forty seven, second to the last one. I'm gonna cover the best revenge is not to be that way. Honestly, this is a really good one for the times, isn't it? We complain about, you know, the deep state and all these conspiracies, and we're all so disappointed and disgusted by Politicians on the left and the right I know I am both sides. I can't find one politician I seem to you know be able to have any admiration and respect for. We've got a war in the ukraine and with russia we've got issues in the middle east. People often say what do you do when the world is crazy? And you look out there and you see liars and cheaters and thieves and stealers and assholes and bullshitters and narcissists, etc. Well, mark is really says.

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Another quote that goes along with this one, which is stop arguing what a good human is, simply be one. So this number forty seven the best revenge is not to be that way reminds me just be the good in the world. Be the standard. Show up and be the example. Show up and bring the experience. Be the change in the world. Isn't it funny? This quote by marcus really has happened two thousand years ago. We often times think of the be the change quote is gone to be the change you want to see in the world. This was a quote by gondy. Well, marcus really said that two thousand years before gondy did, and I'm sure there's someone else who said this. This, to me, is a universal truth. When in doubt, simply show up and live your local life To the best that you can. Be the standard. Don't be the liar, the bullshit or the cheater, the avoider. Bring the fairness, bring the ethics, bring the morality. You be the one that's the best revenge.

Speaker 1: 39:16

And finally, number fifty fault is irrelevant. If you want it changed and it's in your sphere of awareness, then it's on you. Now, this one harkens back to the first one. We cover your wounds are yours to heal. It's slightly different here, though, because it basically just says If you want it changed, you cannot rely on other people. If it's in your sphere of awareness, it's on you. In the end, no one is coming to help you. At least, you can't guarantee that, and you shouldn't expect that. If it happens, wow, what a nice surprise. Lucky you, right. But you should never be in this position where you are expecting people to solve the problem or wanting people to take responsibility for what they quote did wrong. Fault is irrelevant. If you want to change, it's on you. I hope you like these fifty rules. I appreciate you hanging out with me. Thanks so much and I will see you at the next show.

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You've been listening to the next level human podcast with Dr J Tira. If you enjoyed this episode, please make sure you subscribe and consider leaving a review. You make the biggest difference when you pass on your lessons and inspire others. That's why reviews like this are so powerful. Your words may be the only ones that resonate for someone else. Please remember the information in this podcast is for educational purposes only. Always consult your personal position or therapist for making any lifestyle changes. And finally, thank you for who you are in the world and the difference you make.