Dating Advice for Next Level Humans - Ep 241

Welcome to the Next Level Human Podcast. As a human, you have a job to do. In fact, you have four jobs to earn and manage money. To attain and maintain health and fitness. To build and sustain personal relationships. To find meaning and make a difference. None of these jobs are taught in school, and that is what this podcast is designed to do To educate us all on living our most fulfilled lives through the mastery of these four jobs. I'm your host, dr Jade Tita, and I believe we are here living this life for three reasons, and three reasons only To learn, to teach and to love. In this podcast, I will be learning, teaching and loving right along with you. I'm grateful to have your company. Here's to our next level. Welcome to the show, everybody. My name is Dr Jade Tita. I am your host.

Today's episode is going to be slightly different than what you're used to. Actually, it's going to be a relatively short episode. This is actually a clip of part of an education called the Next Level Romance Education. This is a course that I did several years back. That is an evidence-based treatment of everything romance, from getting over heartbreak and breakups to meeting and dating your next level human partner, to building a relationship to what next level human relationships look like, romantic relationships look like over the long run. I'm doing a little bit of an experiment here to see if you like the shorter episodes, these shorter clips that are related to some of the education that I have available over at next level human. This particular episode is going to be a short clip that represents one of the very short and powerful pithy educations that is in Next Level Romance. There's, I think, over 60 videos inside that particular program, all of them around 10 minutes or so. For those of you who listen to the episode and want more of this, you can go over to drjadecom backslash next level romance. Drjadecom slash next level romance. I hope you enjoy the show. I have just wrapped up my latest book, which will be coming out right around Valentine's Day, called you Grow Me, which is all about the philosophy, science and art of relationship, sex and love. I think you will enjoy it and I hope you will enjoy this episode.

Okay, so let's talk meeting strategy. Where are you going to meet someone for the first time and how are you going to set this up? Well, the first thing you want to do is you want to kind of plan this out in terms of remember, this is next level romance. And so if you're in the meeting phase and wanting to meet someone, you want to kind of think about where does the person that you want to be who is sort of the opposite of you, the opposite sex or someone you'd be romantically interested in, where would they hang out? In other words, where would you hang out if you were the person that you were interested in? You really want to kind of get yourself in that person's head and kind of think about where would my next level guy or girl be coming from? And once you start to think about that, you're going to start to have some interesting conversations. So I'll walk you through maybe the conversation that someone like me would have.

Well, first of all, this person is going to be fitness oriented, they're going to be intellectual, they're probably going to like travel and art and books and wine and coffee. They're probably a professional. They're probably at professional events and places like that. They're going to be financially secure. They're going to love to learn. And so I kind of have a list of sort of activities or values or interests that this person that I would be interested in, my next level sort of avatar the person that I'm basically trying to find would be interested in.

Once I have that list of interests and attractions and places this person may go, then you can begin to say, all right, well, where am I going to show up? Because obviously you have to put yourself in the vicinity of these individuals. So for me it might be a place like CrossFit or a high end yoga studio or something like that. These will be fit individuals, people who have expendable income, people who share my value of fitness. Yoga centers tend to be a little bit more expensive. Crossfit tends to be a little bit more expensive versus maybe a box gym like a goals gym or 24 hour fitness or something like that. These people will typically have expendable incomes.

Maybe I'll start going to more seminars and things like that hanging out in coffee shops and going to wine tastings, or going to bookstores and art shows, hanging out in museums and joining, maybe, a book club, or going to a cooking school, or hanging out in high end spas or making sure I spend time in natural health food stores and places like that. In other words, I'm exposing myself to the places that these people may actually show up in. One thing you want to keep in mind is it's not necessarily that you will meet the people that you're trying to meet there, but you'll meet people who know those people. So it's not necessarily that you join a yoga studio and you're going to get in a romantic connection with someone at the yoga studio, but those are people who may know somebody who is your next level individual. And so this is really about broadening your horizons as a person and not having expectations attached to the way it's going to happen, but essentially connecting with people genuinely and seeing where that path leads you, whether it's with that individual or another individual.

Now, with the meeting that takes place when you finally meet someone, the first thing you want to do is you want to have sort of again this word confident detachment. This is going to come up over and over and over again in the next level romance education. Confident detachment essentially says I am confident, I am whole, I like who I am, I am not needy, I am not nagging, I am not somebody who requires necessarily that everyone find me attractive or find me interesting, that I get the fact that some people will and some people won't, and I am very particularly looking for a person who meets certain criteria of mine. But I'm also detached from the idea that everyone is going to be interested in me or that it's going to happen all at once or that it's going to occur in a particular place. So I'm confident in myself, I'm confident in my ability to meet individuals, but I'm also detached from who or where that might be. For example, I might meet someone that I am interested in, find that they are not interested in me and be detached from that because they may introduce me to someone who might be a connection for me romantically.

And so you want to be thinking three levels deep when you're interacting and meeting people and not just jumping to the conclusion ooh, this is someone I like physically and I'm romantically interested in them. Instead, take the genuine path. Remember, we talked about these two paths of romance. One is the romantic track. I'm attracted to them, maybe I'll get to know them. Then I'll be genuinely interested in them. Well, a better approach to take in terms of confidence detachment is to take the genuine interest approach get to know, like and trust people and then see if there's a romantic connection there. So when you're meeting people, it's best to go into the meeting with this sort of mindset.

Now there's also something called the pattern interrupt, which is something that pickup artists talk about. Now, we are not talking about being pickup artists, because obviously we want next level, high end individuals who will grow our self development and we can grow them as well. So it's not about picking someone up for some sex or a hookup or something like that. But pattern interrupts are a really good way to break the ice. An example of this would be you're hanging out with some of your friends at a coffee shop and you're having a funny discussion In my world that might be a discussion around, would you rather? And you see a group of cute guys or girls sitting next door and the pattern interrupt might be hey, let me ask you guys a quick question, and you get into the discussion that way and again you're confidently detached, not necessarily knowing what will happen, but just genuinely trying to connect with individuals.

Commonality is a big piece. Once you get into discussion with someone, oftentimes people will have sort of either a combative approach or a commonality approach, and what people love is they love to seek commonalities at first. So you start out by asking lots of questions and then maybe you discover, oh, this person travels a lot and oh, maybe you discover they were in Rome and you had a great time in Rome. You found a commonality. Now you can begin having discussions around that and then again, complimentary. You want to be giving compliments and looking for areas to make people feel good about themselves. Remember, we as individuals, we don't want to feel challenged. We want to feel known and liked and seen and appreciated, and so finding commonalities and being very complimentary is a really good approach to sort of seal the meeting. So you want to go in with confident detachment, look for areas of pattern, interrupt Once you start having the conversation. Then you can think about commonalities and complimentary type of approaches and being positive. Remember, one of the biggest things that people look for in individuals is kindness, and so compliments are a big piece of that. And remember, not just complimenting the person you're interested in, but being complimentary to the people around you. If you're a next level individual, this is not going to be hard for you, because you're not going to be a dick or a bitch. You're going to be somebody who is genuinely interested in treating people with kindness and growth, and so this should not be hard, should go without saying. But I think sometimes, when we get into these meeting situations, our insecurities oftentimes can become an issue, and so it's useful to talk about this Going on.

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And now back to the show. When we look at research on dating, specifically speed dating, there are two things that come out of this research that basically are the hallmarks of successful meetings between two people. They basically say that the other person was appreciative and sympathetic. In other words, there were lots of words used like wow, that was really awesome, or wow, that's really interesting, you did that, or that's really cool that you were involved in that particular situation. You know sort of this appreciative way of talking to somebody, and then there's the sympathetic piece Wow, that's really hard. That must have been really difficult for you. I can't imagine what that must have been like. People want to feel these sort of appreciative and sympathetic statements and they work very well in connecting during a meeting.

Now, at the close, what do you do? Well, the best way to do it is essentially to just come right out and say what you feel. If you're romantically interested in this person or genuinely interested in this person, whichever path you're coming from, you just say what you feel. Obviously, if you want to continue the discussion, you're going to say, wow, you know, I really enjoyed that. And then you want to say what you want, I would love to connect again. We can continue this discussion about art and guns over coffee sometime. What's the best way for me to contact you? Now? Obviously, if the person says, well, you know, I'm not really interested, or whatever you're like okay, no problem, then if you change your mind, let me know. I'm easy to find on social hope to connect again. This is that confident detachment happening again. So the close is say what you feel, say what you want and what's the best way to connect. There is no opening line. There is no closing line to get the digits or anything like this.

This is a next level, very authentic, real, honest way of doing things and does not really require any type of games. You just say exactly what you mean. The best first dates, by the way, based on research, are going to be usually during the happy hour, are going to probably involve alcohol to some degree, because it loosens and gets people more comfortable, and the right way research says for us to follow up is to call and text immediately. No games, remember. This is a next level type of approach. Now, having said that, I'm basically showing you research, but not everyone's going to want to be in a happy hour situation or want to be involved with alcohol. If it's me, I'll probably do coffee or something like that. And the big piece here, though, is that this isn't about games and calling and texting immediately and actually the research shows this is that when is the best time to follow up. If someone follows up with you pretty much right away, it's just sort of the go for it. There are no games and remember, you're vetting people along the way. You want a next level individual who doesn't play games and is as straight up with you as you are with them, and that's very important to keep in mind.

You have been listening to the next level human podcast with Dr J Tita. If you enjoyed this episode, please make sure you subscribe and consider leaving a review. You make the biggest difference when you pass on your lessons and inspire others. That's why reviews like this are so powerful. Your words may be the only ones that resonate for someone else. Please remember the information in this podcast is for educational purposes only. Always consult your personal position or therapist for making any lifestyle changes. And finally, thank you for who you are in the world and the difference you make.